Rango

"No one tangoes with the Rango."

––"Rango", Rango

Warning, this movie (and post) contains copious amounts of Deus ex Machina.

Seriously.

By the end of this post, Deus ex Machina will have no meaning whatsoever.

So two friends and I had the chance to go watch Rango, a Nickelodeon movie. Not a big fan of Nickelodeon, but this movie was just amazing. Ridiculous to no extent. That's what makes it amazing. Also, Jake, the rattlesnake with a minigun for a tail, is amazing and a complete badass. I'm not going to kid you.

Recap:

Our movie starts off in an undiscovered world of supposed adventure. Unclothed Barbie doll missing a head and an arm, dead cricket in the water bowl, and a wind up fish toy that apparently uses Splash if left on the ground. And then, our anonymous reptilian hero, the anonymous reptilian hero on a journey to save the emotionally unstable maiden from killing herself. The anonymous lizard, pointing his plastic sword at the dead cricket, makes a "have at you" moment, when... the dead cricket. It doesn't respond. He seems to be dead. Very dead. He cuts and reminds the actors (yes, the doll, the cricket and the fish toy) what their motivations were... but he notices. He's nothing but a domesticated chameleon in a glass box. THERE IS NO CONFLICT IN HIS ACT. EVERYTHING IS UNEXPLAINED.

However, conveniently enough, something happens. His owners HIT an armadillo crossing the road, sending his glass box FLYING out of the open car. He lands back first and there we have it. Conflict. And thus begins his story. He approaches the apparently okay armadillo and thus, another conflict! Deus ex Machina! This movie is freaking full of it. Just telling you now if you didn't read earlier. So he's sent propelling through the air, hitting several cars in the process and ends up on the dirt. More conflict! And so, the little lizard begins his journey through the desert, runs from a hawk, and rests in a pipe... which spits him out in the morning. After this, he meets with Ms. Bean, a... rancher... who gives the lizard a ride to Dirt, a town full of furry (and not so furry) desert creatures. DEUS EX EFFING MACHINA.

It's at this point where the little lizard begins to blend in... or stick out like a sore thumb. I dunno. He enters the tavern and takes a drink of cactus juice and... is asked his name and his origin. He looks at the bottle. Durango. He covers up the "Du" with his little finger. He calls himself... "Rango". Because he was obviously anonymous to begin with. And there, he begins telling stories about how he stopped the fiend Kraken, had a chocolate factory, and stopped a group of rowdy men with one bullet. And then, conveniently enough, he's forced to fight a group of the mayor's lackeys.

Clock strikes twelve... but, what's this. The lackeys abandon the fight because of a hawk right behind Rango. Obviously, Rango doesn't know what's going on, so he just goes on about how he wants his shoes shined and a danish every morn. Just the basic demands. Everyone, currently hiding indoors like in those everyday wild west flicks, assumes he's just talking to the hawk. Rango turns and... runs into the outhouse.

"What's he doing?"

"I think he's taking a #2."

As a viewer, I this'd. I would totally freak out if, let's say, a Rathalos was just sitting there behind me and I was just ranting to the other hunters about how I'd kicked a million dragons to death with my spiked boots and I just turn around and see the red King of the Skies and the only thing I had was the basic Sword and Shield and a couple rocks. I'd probably tell the other players "T.O." and run off to the restroom. I digressed. Let's go back on topic.

So a chase sequence commences when Rango faces the hawk. Rango runs around, hawk pursues, and the townspeople just cheer Rango on. Eventually, the chase sequence ends when Rango finally realizes he has a revolver and tries to shoot the liquorice he tied around his waist. Why he did that, I don't know. Is he trying to kill himself? Is he trying to be a hero? Either way, it was stupid of him and he shouldn't have done it. So he pulls the trigger and THE BULLET RICOCHETS OFF THE CANDY, HITS A WOODEN PLANK SUPPORTING THE WATER TOWER FULL OF DIRT (as this tower is in the middle of a desert in the middle of nowhere), BOUNCES OFF THAT, HITS ANOTHER, AND, EVENTUALLY, THE TOWER COLLAPSES ON TOP OF THE HAWK, ULTIMATELY, AND QUITE CONVENIENTLY, KILLING IT. DEUS EX MACHINA, WHY YOU DO THIS.

The hawk, now dead, is slain and Rango is made Sheriff of Dirt. Lol, dirt. He makes a pretty bad sheriff too. On that day he became a sheriff, he tells the people a Kamina speech and ends up using a day's worth of water. That night, he gave the water bank (remember, this takes place in a desert) robber characters a permit to ROB the bank. asdfjkl; rango. The movie gives you all the deus ex machina ever and you have to... wait, you just created yourself another thing to do to make your story even more epic. He then creates a posse of at least ten (somehow. DEUS EX MACHINA) and hunts down these robbers... who conveniently enough, left a trail. DEUS. EX. KAMINAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH.

... err, machina.

The three main robbers were arrested for their heinous and hastily put together evil plan... after a ridiculous chase sequence involving cross dressing, an unfitting music number, and incendiary bats. And yes, this chase sequence had some DEUS EX MACHINA in it. Like every other scene in the movie. If Nickelodeon ever decides to make a TV show out of Rango, I bet this is the title: "Deus ex Machina - the TV Show". Now, as it turns out, this chase sequence was POINTLESS as the giant ten gallon bottle capable of carrying lots of water... was empty. This doesn't make you wonder who done it a whole lot... if you've been paying attention to the mayor's speech about the whole water business and whatnot. He returns to town and has a word with the mayor about this while playing golf with pillbugs (roly poly, armadillidiidae, whatever floats your boat) about this business. Totally going against the unwritten rule in the movie, the mayor gives no deus ex machina whatsoever. However, it's obvious that the mayor and his men done it BECAUSE HIS LACKEY'S BOOTS' SOLES ARE COVERED IN FREAKING MUD. And then the mayor just goes on about the irrelevant future and all that. Whatever. No one cares about the future. We just want the deus ex machina.

Eventually, the mayor calls Rattlesnake Jake to deal with Rango because Rango nearly found out the mayor's plans. Pft. So what if Rango found out? It's not like he's going to flaunt it everywhere. I mean, the only guys he was with were the mayor and his lackeys when he was talking about the control of water and all that. Rango, giving the upset and thirsty townspeople another Kamina speech, is now carrying an officially empty bottle of the grace of God and everything totally goes against what he wants. For example, the Rattlesnake calls him a fraud, drives him out of town, and back into the starting point. Surprisingly enough, he didn't get hit by any cars along the way like that ninja armadillo who used the ninja technique of not telling anyone where he went and got better. Eventually, he's taken to a barren wasteland where he has a epiphany. And a pretty obvious kind too. It's not for his own sake he's fighting. It's for the people. The people who believe in him. The people who believe in him who believes in them. This moment was taken advantage of by me. Result: "goddammit." Rango, having experienced the biggest freaking Deus ex Machina in the entire movie, returns to Dirt, ultimately defeats Jake, returns water to the town, and drives out the mayor. Like every other Wild West movie: main character returns, drives out mayor, resolves conflict.

Review:

I have to say. I liked this movie. Even though it was kinda like watching Dragon Ball Z and Red Dead Redemption gameplay at the same time. Dragon Ball Z, full of Deus ex Machina. Red Dead Redemption, just full of Wild West stuff. I give it a 4/5 for the incendiary bats and the action sequences. They were pretty well done... even though they were ridiculous as all get out.