Cowboys and Aliens

I admit. I have seen one of the most amazing movies out there. Cowboys and Aliens. Not going to lie. One of the most enjoyable movies I have ever seen.

The movie starts, takes place, and ends in the Wild West. It's very pretty too. All the dirt and dust and desert plants. Cool place. Cool place. Anyways, our protagonist with the sweet arm cannon, the Super Fighting Cowboy, Jake Lonergan, wakes up in the middle of nowhere, not remembering his name, where he lived, who his lover was, or how he ended up in the middle of the desert with an arm cannon and a cut in his side. Subsequently, a dog and a gang of four ride into the scene and ask for directions. They were killed. Or knocked out. Whatever the deal was, they were written out of the script. No one really cared about them anyways. They were just there to give the guy some new duds.

A little later on, Jake rides into town on a stolen horse, barges into a home that was apparently occupied by the town, well, doctor, washes his face, and gets the cut in his side stitched up. That's all better... until a real cowboy's son goes all "LOL IF IT WERENT FOR ME YOU WOULDNT HAVE ALL THESE NICE THINGS", fires some rounds, and gets kicked in the bone bulge subsequently. By Jake. What a man. I love him so. Eventually, the two are arrested, Jake for arson, murder, and theft, the guy who fired the rounds, assault on a deputy.

Later, Jake wakes up in a cell. In his neighboring cell, the snobby guy who wouldn't shut up. Now, if you've played Red Dead Redemption, you would know what these cells look like: cages. So yeah, Jake grabs his neighbor by the shirt and knocks him out by pulling him into the bars. Hard. Good Jake. Best friend.

Some time before this, three men, out by the river, watching the cattle belonging to the snobby guy's father. Drunk guy gets up, wanders off to the riverside, and goes to take a #2 in it. When, suddenly, flashes of light and some water. Not too long after, the guy gets himself out of the river and what he finds is that everything that used to be there (cows, men, campfire, booze) is all gone and what replaced it is fire, ashes, and debris. Don't worry, the surviving drunk guy gets written out too. By being dragged off by a horse.

Now, several hours after that, Jake and the snobby guy are put onto a carriage to be taken to Santa Fe. Snobby guy's father comes in with a gang of 15-20 men to talk to the marshal. This one lady, Ella, shares a few words with Jake about him not remembering where he came from. Subsequently, first on-screen cowboy-alien conflict. And oh wow, it was amazing. Kidnapping, explosions... and then, Jake becomes Super Fighting Cowboy Mega Man, blows one of the wooden walls off the carriage and destroys one of the alien kidnapper mechs with his super cool arm cannon. Not too long after the destruction of the mech, alien-like roaring and women's screaming, a wooden wall burst, and an alien taking off. Seriously, these aliens. They need to think things through more.

So, first thing in the morning, the men ride off, taking the dog from the first scene, a bartender with no combat experience whatsoever, a boy, and Ella, following the extraterrestrial's tracks. Dumb aliens, worst enemy.

Now, they continue to follow the trail. Under the glaring sun, through rainstorms, and under some more glaring sun. First time the alien appeared on-screen, the face of the guy sitting to my right was like this:

His face when.

Try imagining this: A not-as-friendly E.T. combined with chestburster. Now imagine this all part of the chest cavity of a much larger alien with shell and claws and all. Yeah, not cute, huh. The first person to bump into it: Emmett Taggart, a boy who looks to be about 12 or 13. Now, if I bumped into this alien at the middle of the night in an abandoned warehouse/ship, I'd crap bricks for the next couple minutes and build myself a nice brick fortress. Before I die, of course. Luckily, little Emmett was saved by a man... who was subsequently killed by the alien... and by Jake himself.

Now, if you grew up off Wild West flicks, you'd know what's coming for you. Canyon chase, gangs, jumping onto the side of a large vehicle, and Indians. And if you did grow up on these, your childhood will be wrecked in the most beautiful way possible. And then it will all lead up to the most beautiful battle between cowboys and aliens and that will end very sadly. And then the cliché cowboy flick ending happens. If endings are your type of thing with movies, don't watch it. Otherwise, you'll enjoy this the whole way through.

So yeah, if I had to summarize this movie in a couple words, Minecraft: the Wild West. Seeing as the aliens are after rare resources and can't see well in broad daylight. Also, they like to appear out of nowhere.